Posts Tagged: personal story

flux

I’m flying. I’m landing. Skittering along; halting to find I’m the wrong way around. 

I’m floating.  Above life looking down.  I’m on the edge, a precipice with one foot hanging over, saying it’s going to go.  Inviting, welcoming the rest of me to come along.  Fall or fly?  Still, I saw at the chains that hold me there.

I’m waiting.  Waiting and moving.  Moving around on the set of another play.  Other characters are giving me cues but these are not my lines and I fumble them and the audience is not amused. 

I’m watching.  The clock.  An extra hour we’ve been given this week but in the middle of the night as I’m rehearsing the lines it’s a long, heavy hour mocking me there.

I’m heavy.  Heavy, floating, slow across the stage.  Waiting for sleep but that damn clock mocks.

two and a third days and a little more

Last weekend was delicious. The days were a blessing; crisp and sunny, the kind of autumn days you need to be out in because you know that with every weekend that passes, these kinds of days are less likely to occur for… well you don’t want to think about how many months.

And it was more than that.

It started with spontaneous “beer o’clock” on Friday with family, then moved into a weekend that was about wandering around, changing minds, making diversions, sharing meals, turning your face to the sun and letting it slide its arms around your shoulders against the cool air, exploring neighbourhoods, watching diamonds floating on the lake, taking pictures of freighters, long kisses, longer conversations, sharing old pictures, beholding skylines, sleeping in, drinking cesars with big breakfasts, standing on the street corner deciding which way to walk home and then a crying like an idiot in the middle of a busy station as you collect your long-away sister.

That weekend – lets not bother to quantify the beauty. Lets call it all beautiful thing number seventy-two.

Breakfast CesarTo my non-Canadian friends – the reason you don't have Cesars in your country is because we're not willing to share them.

Late October Patio by Sugar BeachA sunny patio on a late Saturday morning in late October looking at diamonds on the water on Lake Ontario.

rainy

There has been a soft rain falling off and on since last night, and as I walk to work under the heavily overcast skies this morning everything is glistening luminous under the dim light; the pavement a wet black canvas painted here and there with splashes of colour reflecting the city pulsing above it.

Earlier, I lay in bed watching the sky through a gap in the curtain, thinking I was as reluctant to come to wakefulness as that sky was.  Last night’s rain capped a gorgeous, warm and sunshiny Sunday – that kind of weekend day you look upon as a gift at any time of year, but particularly this one.  The day was gentle; I walked and shopped and puttered around my home, and later my table housed a big pot of vegetable barley soup and toasted rosemary bread and warm company and suddenly I find myself in deep autumn with not a little pleasure. 

The slowed pace amidst the low clouds and glistening streets extends that autumnal comfort even on a Monday morning.  Once upon a time when I was a driver on the highway trying to get to work in mornings like this, I would curse at the way even a soft rain like this would slow everything down.   Now I feel lucky to be able to find pleasure in the slowed pace of a city under a rain.  It wasn’t all contentment – I wanted to walk right past my office and spend the morning in it. 

I’m not sure I’ll move so peacefully into winter, but who knows?  Maybe I just need to learn to carry with me in my mind the gentleness of a rainy morning.

real hearts, a rainbow supper and doing nothing in particular

The weekend was like the most spectacular gift the gods of late summer could muster: sunshiny, clear, breezy and free of commitment.  It was the kind of weekend that enveloped me in its wide, generous arms and wouldn't let go.  And I was happy to stay there and honour its whims.  It was two days of hanging out in the harbour – people watching, reading, photographing, feeling the sun and relishing the freedom.  

None of my attempts to photograph the light on the lake can capture how spectacular it looks – like billions and billions of floating diamonds shining so bright they hurt my eyes. 

Me and a strawberry ice cream cone wander into a crowd of chuckling people to find a busker riding the smallest bicycle in the world.  Just beyond, a lady dressed in officy looking gear hobbles in painful looking high heels and sips from a giant can of Sapporo beer.

In the middle of one meandery walk I sit on a bench under a tree, and the feeling of the breeze on my skin is like swaths of silk being trailed across it.  A man sits next to me and we both try to capture photographs of greedy squawking seagulls going after bits of bread being thrown into the water by some girls.  His camera is much more impressive than mine, and I soon give up on the birds and try out some shots of peoples’ feet and legs as they walk by.

I loll on the grass and flip pages of a magazine while I watch the action on the water.  People crowding around the perimeters of tour boats and sailing ships.  Others kayaking and canoeing toward the island.  Sailboats leaning deep in the wind.  Plane after plane setting down into the airport.

Sunday, Carly texts me from the baseball game and says she will come down and meet me after.  We have a beer next to the bandshell and we’re glad we don’t have to listen to the bad girly hip hop music for too long.  Kelsey texts and she’s coming down too so we plan a simple meal and buy a bottle of wine and go back to my place. 

We eat baguette with olive oil and fresh grated parmesan and black pepper and we catch up on our news and plans.  We admire the colour in our meal: red field tomatoes, yellow corn on the cob, orange and red peppers, green asparagus.  We think the corn might be the best we’ve had this season.  Later Carly takes off to go meet up with some friends and Kelsey and I finish the wine.  I walk out with her to meet the streetcar, and then walk down by the water to try and hang on to that last few minutes of the weekend, feeling thankful for the spontaneous summer supper with my girls.

It’s the kind of weekend that sets you right again.  I’m facing Monday with a deeper suntan and a rested mind.   And it wasn’t until it the weekend was over that I realised just how much I needed those two days of glorious late summer and doing nothing in particular with them.