looking to land

The recent period of long, intense hours in my job have kept me away from yoga class for two weeks. Yesterday I finally went back and I didn’t feel any less fit or able after the absence, but my balance was off kilter.  It took everything I had to move into some of the poses, and more of that to stay there.  It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that yesterday’s imbalance is indicative of a lack of equilibrium that goes beyond that mat in a yoga studio.

It hasn’t been all bad up to now; only it seems that since the heavy period ended, I’m flying around trying to find a place to land.  Or maybe I’m just resisting the landing, wanting to be floated along on the waves of air like that gull I watched the other day. 

The big proposal went in last Friday and as I handed it off to the person who would print it and deliver it, I felt like I was handing her a 100 pound weight.  I walked out of the office and opened my eyes to acknowledge the approaching weekend with a wagonload of gratitude.  Apros pos, because it was Thanksgiving, and three days of freedom sat on my horizon, and each of those three days was forecasted to be spectacular – sunshine and 20+C temperatures.  It was like someone was handing us those days as a reminder to be thankful. 

And it was easy to be thankful every minute of those three days; they were bright, clear, soft and breezy, and the nights cooled down for the best kind of open window sleeping. 

Actually, the sleeping didn’t come for me proper until the following Tuesday, another indication of my off-kilter state.  But it didn’t matter; when you get days like that, it’s easy to climb out of your petty personal concerns. 

Monday, Thanksgiving Day, I sat in the sun and watched some fellas bustling around on a sailboat, readying her to sail.  I felt a stab of envy a little while later as I watched them glide off into the harbour.  As her sails rose in the sunlight, I wished I could lie on that deck, an invisible stowaway drifting off to anywhere. 

I was carrying a journal and in it I wondered where the escape desires were coming from.  I hadn’t experienced them in a long time, since years ago when I was so desperate to leave a job and a city.  I’m not feeling anything like that now; in fact I would even say I am pretty content about things. 

I know the sailboat desires were just me wanting to get back on an even keel.  (Schmaltzy pun, but it’s appropriate.)  I wrote a little more and painted a little and got not a little pleasure in the process, but my mind wandered, lost in the freedom of time – like that floating bird. 

My girls had gently nudged me into the idea of Thanksgiving on Friday.  Anticipating the weather and at least one more rooftop dinner, I couldn’t fathom anything like a traditional meal.  I was tired.  But they eased me into that idea too; and though we sat in the sun on the rooftop patio to enjoy it, we had a meal of turkey breast and roasted potatoes and beets and green beans and squash and even pumpkin pie.

I went to bed that night, grateful again, and still unable to sleep. 

Things are quieting at work and as another week approaches I'm considering the landing.  I'll keep working at my Tree Pose; maybe that will help.

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  1. Selma October 14, 2011

    I know what you mean very well. The whole off-balance thing, the wanting things to be on more of an even keel (even though they’re actually not too bad the way they are.) For me this type of thing is an unpoken sense of unease; a feeling that things are out of alignment somehow. Like you, I tend to look to the sea for solace. Usually I find it there. The Tree Pose will definitely help….

  2. Jennifer October 15, 2011

    I get it there too. Well, technically it’s a very large lake.

  3. Little hat October 17, 2011

    Hi Jenn,
    I’m back in Oz-Land. I should have begun a week of unpaid intnse work today but a mate from Adelaide was in town for a wedding and suggested we drive to the coast for an early morning swim. That became a full half day and apart from writng a blog about ‘Flying’ – (in planes – some parallels with your stories of late) I got nothing much done. Oh well, tomorrow. Enough about me.
    You’ve been working hard. What was the proposal? Work seems to come in waves sometimes (even when you’re semi-retired). I just remember that it passed last time so will pass again – but it does take its toll. We underestimate the impact of stress (on top of hard work) and wonder why we feel exhausted. At least that’s my experience.
    Had a fab time in Vanuatu. Stay well.

  4. Jennifer October 17, 2011

    Hi Steve,
    I can’t wait to read the flying post and about your adventures in Vanuatu! Seems to me (knowing you) that the half day trip to the coast for a swim was certainly doing *something* – I know it’s an important factor in your life.
    The proposal was for multi-year engineering services at a northern Ontario mine. I’m new to the industry, so I’m still struggling with the ‘language’ and the engineers and subject matter experts all speak to me as if I’m a mining engineer too. I should take it as a compliment, in that I might “look” like I know what they’re talking about?
    And yes, my work very much comes in waves. At the moment, the waves are faster. I’m working to stay balanced, though the tree pose was off again today. Otherwise staying well and enjoying the blossoming of a romance. Sheesh, one would think I was in your spring!
    Glad to hear from you. I’ll be checking in.

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